Lil 'bro  banzai nudged me back to LJ.  I kind of abandoned my journal and my Friends Page for a couple of months.  I guess it got pretty addictive, and whenever I'd log on I found myself spending too much time on the computer.  I think I had been trying waaaaay too hard to make friends- joined a community, posted lots of comments, and some of you who did friend me back may have even felt "stalked."  I apologize.  That wasn't the intent of this journal in the first place.  It was supposed to be just a spot to do a bit of mind dumping and if others were interested in what I had to say, I would check out their journals and see if I felt the same way.  But could I leave well enough alone?  Naaaah, of course not.  Oh well- try, try again.

Meanwhile, life goes on at our house just as I'm sure it has in all of my LJ Friends' homes.  Yesterday G-man broke both his arms and has casts from wrists to elbows.  He was incredibly brave and is now incredibly cranky about keeping his hands elevated in slings to keep the fingers from swelling.  Thank God for Saturday morning cartoons!  We had a great Halloween and now we're getting ready to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving.  Then time to deck the halls and look forward to a visit from banzai and barlow_girl!!!!   Yippee!  

Ok, brain empty now.  Maybe more in a couple days.

Current Mood: embarrassed

Haven't been posting here lately. My time on LJ has been spent checking into communities and posting comments on my friends page. The work on my heart continues. The situation is looking up as far as the relationship between me and the former object of my resentment is concerned. I'm not Catholic, but it sure would be nice to get "absolution." Guess it's going to be a slower process with me, though. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Slow and steady.

So now that my heart is being overhauled (an amazing process, btw) would this be a good time or a bad time to request a "transplant"? I long for a servant's heart, and it just isn't there. I want what I want when I want it. My selfishness knows no bounds. My work as a SAHM doesn't seem fulfilling because I don't get immediate gratification from it. I know in my mind how important it is, but I'm just not "feelin' it."

I really thought I would be more grown up by the time I hit 40. Maybe the one I need to be parenting the most is- me? 

Edit:  It occurs to me that a big part of my problem is reflected in that last sentence.  I'm not looking to the One in charge.  He is parenting me.  But, like most immature kids, I'm not always listening.  Can you say "ear transplant"? 

Current Mood: thoughtful

When I pray, I always ask to be led in God's will by the Holy Spirit. My will gets in my way, though, and He often needs to "hit me over the head" to get me to follow. I got a real whack the other day. I started this year building strong spiritual habits that were actually beginning to bear fruit by spring. Then it all seemed to skid to a halt. I blamed it on spring break (change in routines I had established), travel to Seattle for banzai and barlow_girl's wedding (more change in routine, plus the strange mixture of enabling yet frustrating parental units), return of clinical depression, fear of MIL's visit, and a myriad of other excuses.

He told me yesterday what was at the root of my so-called problems: self-hate stemming from a resentment I've been carrying around these past few months. I am filled with bitterness toward a person who has done nothing to harm me personally. Early this year she was appointed to a ministry position in our church. And while I may have my doubts about her qualifications for the job, the way I've been feeling and acting toward her (and I'm ashamed to say, mostly behind her back) is the opposite of Christ-like. I justified it to myself that I owed it to my kids, to whom she is ministering directly, to make my opinions known. But that's crap and deep down I know it. The fact is, this bitterness is hurting me and my relationship with God. So it's sin. Simple as that.

Now, what do I do about it? Stop sinning in this way, yes. But isn't there more? Seems way too easy. Do I need to forgive, or seek forgiveness? From her, or would that just cause unnecessary pain and conflict? From those friends who have had to listen to me spew my venom? Aaaaaaah.

Guess I'll be praying for that next "bonk on the head" moment. This place of uncertainty is awfully uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point.

Current Mood: confused

Why is it that the best hair days happen right after making an appointment with your stylist?

Grrrrrr.

Current Mood: cranky

This morning I went to the weekly gathering of POGO (Parents Of Growing Ones), a wonderful group of moms at my church. Each of us has at least one infant, toddler, or preschooler and most stay home with them at least part-time. We're studying a book called If Mama Goes South, We're All Going With Her, by Lindsey O'Connor this summer.  This week's chapter is about our will, a very tough yet necessary topic for me to examine.   So much I needed to hear and read (again).

Romans 7 was referenced by the author, and it occurred to me how often I use Paul's words as an excuse to keep sinning.  Verses 21-23 run through my head almost every time my hand reaches to sin.  And I've been taking those verses completely out of context.  In a way, I'm parroting what comedian Flip Wilson used to say, "The devil made me do it!"  This morning the Lord led me further into the passage to what I believe is the real message He wants to imprint on my heart today: the full passage of verses 21-25.  Time and again I let myself off the hook.  "I'm only human."  "That's just the way I'm wired."  "We all fall short."  All true.  But there's more.  He says to me, "Yes, you were born a slave to sin.  But don't let yourself off the hook.  Just as you can't stop yourself from sinning, you can't pardon yourself either.  Only I can do those things.  Believe that I can.  Come to Me.  Let ME set you free!"

Our study leader also touched on the book of James and I was reminded how prone I am to sinning with my mouth as well as my hands.  I think I'll journal more on that later.  I have three other little mouths to feed right now.

Current Mood: thankful

A group of SAHMs from my church is going to Rochester, MN for the NC Regional Hearts-at-Home Conference in October.  I've tried to get a group together every year since I attended the 2003 National Conference with my SIL in Bloomington, IL.  But I am the world's worst salesperson and wound up going by myself in '05 and just giving up in '04 and '06.  I'm so excited that at least 3 of my friends want to go this year!  It's an incredibly affirming experience.  Great music and praise, great speakers, great workshops, great fellowship.  Just a weekend to fully immerse ourselves in God's love and learn more about how to pass it on to our families.

Current Mood: excited

Haven't posted in a while cuz we went to the Wisconsin Dells last week. Still in vacation recovery mode. But it was worth it. So. Much. Fun.

To save money we spent the first night at a local motel (I thought it was a bit of a dive, but clean enough. Dh took exception to the term "dive", which he equates to "fleabag." I guess he doesn't see the subtle nuances that differentiate the two. But I digress.) and took food for breakfasts and picnic lunches. So we had cereal and banana bread every morning and PB&J, goldfish crackers, baby carrots, Craisins, and brownies every lunch. I took a cue from jeney and let the kids eat their lunches "backwards" with brownies first. We splurged on some cheese curds and threw those in with the lunches. (The rat takes the cheese!)

The second night we spent here . One night and two very full days of wet, wild, loud fun with our three kids, my SIL and BIL from Illinois and our nephew who is just 3 months older than G-man. I rode this with my SIL and BIL. Screamtastic is totally the right term for it. And the "58 ft plummet"? I took that BACKWARDS! Man, what a ride! Dh took almost 200 pictures, so I might post a few later. None of me in my swimsuit, though. Trust me, you are not ready for that.

Current Mood: chipper

Recent posts by banzai and sillypilgrim have led me to a Palmolive epiphany- I AM soaking in it. Thing is, I am so priviliged and blessed that I haven't been looking at what "it" is. I keep whining and moaning about this and that, all the "crises" in my life when all the while I am surrounded by the deepest love, forgiveness and grace. What an ungrateful, spoiled child I've been to wallow in my so-called suffering instead of dancing for joy and serving Him with all that I am!!!!

Thank you to these two grateful servants, as well as my sister barlow_girl. You all lifted me up out of what I thought I was soaking in, whether you meant to or not.

Current Mood: awake

Now I'm finally doing it- shining my sink! One side is soaking now and then I'll do the other. It's raining here so I'm letting ds watch a video while I flip through my control journal, check out the new stuff on www.flylady.net and get my sink nice and shiny. As long as I take babysteps and don't let dh (he has SHE tendencies, too, including perfectionism) push me into going too fast, I think I can do this without burning out! 

Edit: Mission accomplished!  Here's what it looks like:

Current Mood: cheerful

Turns out my MIL & FIL won't be coming to visit this weekend after all. Dh will bring Pie & Cakes home himself after the kayak trip ends in his hometown. Now, I still want to get the house in better shape. But now it will be for me and my family and I can go at a reasonable pace instead of major crisis cleaning.  Hallelujah!

Current Mood: relieved